But one by one as Derek asked the other guys to help him stretch, he was turned away with “No. As we waited at the starting line for a race to begin, everyone paired up for partner stretching. Derek was the only openly gay guy in our school and he was on the team. I’m haunted by a scene from high school cross country. I am most ashamed of these moments where my fear of being outed and disgust of my homosexuality turned to homophobia that hurt others. You’re just so homophobic because you don’t want anyone to know who you are.” I was terrified. Then she said with omniscience, “I bet you’re secretly gay and one day you’re going to come out. I remember a female classmate turning around in her chair to berate me for being a bigot. Unintentionally fulfilling stereotypes, I was one of the most ardent opponents of gay marriage-thinking that perhaps that would throw people off my trail. Gay marriage was a particularly contentious topic during the 2008 election, so naturally, our government class played out the same divisive conversations found on CNN. I could not risk anyone suspecting that I was gay. In middle school I played leading roles in both of our theater productions, but in high school I quickly realized that the same people in the theater club where also in our Gay-Straight Alliance. I savored every bittersweet image, because while part of me reached out to the screen saying “He is like me,” the other said “You are disgusting.” I remember reading any book for school where two guys had a close friendship- A Separate Peace, The Chocolate Wars, The Chosen-wanting for them to be gay and to lose myself in the story. And my shame persisted. I remember watching the show Next on MTV the first time a gay man was the contestant. Time and time again I begged God to heal me if being gay wasn’t how I was supposed to be, and time and time again change didn't seem to be His will. I promised I would obey my parents without fail.
I held up my end of the bargain, but God didn’t. I promised Him that I would read my Bible every day for six months if He would make me straight. I believed I must have done something wrong to deserve this. It's no surprise that I thought I was bad, dirty, and disgusting.
If the topic ever came up in church, it was a simple statement that God was against homosexuality.
When a gay person came on TV or was seen in public, people commented how gross gay marriage was and how godless gay people were. I grew up hearing that being gay was bad, dirty, and disgusting. In 6th grade, I realized I was gay*, and I swore I would never let anyone know who I really was. Check out my story below, and watch the recording of “Why Come Out?” here. I don’t think everyone has to share their story publicly, but it makes sense for me. If you didn’t know, you’ve probably guessed as much-most straight people don’t care this much about making the Church a better place for gay people.
As we planned for EQUIP’s 2018 event “Why Come Out?”, I was reminded that I’d never come out.