I took the necessary precautions and had Andre escort me through a cyber tour of Jacey’s facebook page. I thought to myself “what the hell… third time is a charm?” If it weren’t for the fact that I was 4,000 years their senior AND one of them had a raging case of bed bugs, things might have turned out differently. The two guys he had hand selected for me in the past were interesting, attractive and fun to be around. Generally I dismiss every blind set up from my beloved breeder friends (the ones who make babies not the degenerates who make creampies) but Andre’s track record was not too shabby.
“J’s” are from the Devil… Satan in a Sunday hat. Not to mention 99% of these so-called “J” gremlins happen to be Jehovah Witness’… SEEEEE? Another “J” ! Consider yourself warned. They are evil and need to be destroyed… ALL of them. Never, I mean NEVER get romantically involved with a man whose name starts with the letter “J”. I don’t even like having dinner with myself! In any event, this set up was already plastered with giant skull and crossbones…. Little did good ol’ Bridgey Bridge know, I have no desire to date myself…. She described him, as “my version of you, but his name is Jacey.” In typical big titted skinny blonde woman fashion, Bridget had a gay best friend who I “just haaaad to meet.” I was told he was my age, had recently relocated from the United Kingdom, was an art curator at a respected gallery and an all round cool guy. Andre being 32 and Bridget an old dinosaur of 24.
Despite her striking beauty and stellar intellect he felt she was probably too old for him.
“Bridget” had all of the above but Andre was a little wary about this particular pairing. Like every other painfully obvious straight man on the planet, Andre’s criteria in the lady department are as follows: blonde, big tits and skinny. Andre had been dating a lovely girl who had an uncanny resemblance to Bridget Fonda. The results would be fatal… and knowing him there would be a LOT of collateral damage.īack to my dry spell. Letting him loose in a gay man’s world would be like throwing a diabetic fat kid into a Kit Kat factory. Thank God Andre isn’t actually on my team. His dream is to have sex like a gay man…ass munching, throat choking, skull fucking, cream pie eating, demoralizing, DEHUMANIZING sex… just with nubile young ladies instead of the lads. Being a heterosexual male nymphomaniac is the cross that Andre has to bear. With all the resources at our finger tips: infinite online avenues, cell phone apps, bath houses, shady toilets and public parks, no gay man should be going without.
He simply cannot fathom why every gay man isn’t fucking as if it were a full time job. In Andre’s defense, he is the only person on the planet who has ever come close to finding me a suitable companion.Ī few months back I was going through a sexual dry spell. Bit of an enabler for a sex addict but his heart is in the right place. In his eyes it’s just for sex and neverfor love. For whatever reason, we make a great pair.Įvery now and then Andre decides to set me up. In fact the ONLY thing Andre and I have in common is that we are both sluts…Him with under age girls and me with anyone over the age of thirty. On the flip side I polish up quite nicely at a black tie event, but put me in a crowded bar and I become Jodie Foster in Nell… raised by wolves with Bell’s Palsy, “tayin in da win, doin a titty dance” for some redneck date rapists. His “Jim Carrey on Redbull” lust for life makes him a blast at a party but a ticking time bomb in more demure social situations. Some of the more cunning chimpanzees learn faster than I do. I can be taught the simplest concepts without absorbing a single detail. I was born in the Jewish General Hospital and am about as surgically removed as it gets. He is actually quite well known for his innovative foreskin puppet shows. Andre has more foreskin than a water weinny and loves to get it out in public. We are polar opposites in every way imaginable. We do not share a single characteristic that typically bonds most friends. My best friend in the whooooole wiiiiide world, who is actually closer to being a brother than a sidekick, is Andre. Working under this assumption for us gays is 1.Insulting and 2. When I know a straight girl I am particularly fond of… and a straight guy I am equally fond of, I should let you know this DOES NOT make for matrimonial bliss in my mind. Why do they assume that every homosexual in their vast social circles are destined to be soul mates? No matter how different our personalities might be, when one straight knows two gays, we become an instant match.
I love them dearly but I would like to take this opportunity to set the record “straight” so to speak.